No Lies, Just Love

// Life is a frontier I can’t seem to conquer //

I feel like lately everything that is going on is something I’ve experienced before in life, literally the same exact thing experiencing it with the same exact people. It’s like I’m suppose to be conquering this frontier called life but I keep just wandering around the forest “I think I’ve passed this before” no compass, and it doesn’t get any more or less easy realizing I may never really find my way. I’m not perfect but I like to thank of myself as a pretty good friend, such as that goes I wind up losing the same friends in the same exact way I lost before, I mean where’s the originality in that? It’s like I love the movie Titanic and I wanna see it when it comes out in 3D but in not expecting a new ending or outcome. Is life just a movie I’ve already seen? And by stupidity of my own I’m expecting a different outcome to a fate that has been already written? The extreme loneliness I feel sometimes is too intense to actually be conscience of I tried to ignore it, I try to not really let it become a formed thought in my head I’m afraid what loneliness could me to do a feeling unbearable at times to deal with. But at 4:30 am when I’m the only one awake, I can’t ignore how alone I really am. I can trust no one, I have no one, this life is a frontier and it seems I’m all alone. Even Lewis had Clark, even Columbus has a ship crew. Rule number 1 in life you really shouldn’t travel alone in life, you need someone who will be able to look out for you as much as you look out for them. A mutual trust, a mutual destination. Being alone is so hurtful. The people who turned their backs on you is hurtful, sometimes I wish I could turn my back on people “how does that feel? Remember this the next time” but an eye for an eye will just lead to a lot more suicide, yes I did make that up. In a morbid way sometimes I do question what I have to live for a mortgage? Bills? Divorce? Child custody arguments? Why not cut my losses as losses realize I have no gains and just depart this life as equals with death, but I think sometimes it takes a brave person to be that depressed in a non condescending way I think you must be pretty strong to carry the burden of depression to let yourself feel something so strong. I usually just turn a blind eye to it afraid of what it could lead too. Maybe life isn’t so much a frontier to be conquered but just a forest in which I should live to coincide, either way it seems I’m doing it alone. :(

19 / 03

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// Welcome to my life://

I see the world through a series of short stories and mental expectations bound to be squashed by reality.

05 / 01

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Written by Me!!

when the sun rose, our romance had ended, you looked at me in the rays of the sun as if I was a different girl, our conversations began to bore you. It’s funny how in the darkness we all expose ourselves and as the light filled our eyes that morning you saw who I was and it was all over in an instant. I slid off the roof of my car as I saw you pacing in the sand as if looking for an excuse to depart from me, only 6 hours ago we had been forced together by chance and here we were I had shared a night with the boy of my dreams and even though it was now over I looked at him and knew for awhile there I probably was the closest person to him. Those secrets he told me will always stay with me.
“Hey get in I’ll drive you home” I spoke as casual as possible.
I turned the motor on and let it run for a minute or two the heater began to warm my finger tips I turned on the radio and turned it low. The clock read 6:15 am.
“I don’t know where you live” I couldn’t hold back anything anymore maybe like the pupil of the eye he had closed in the presence of the light but I was more like a flower and blossomed in the warmth of the rays.
“Thank you for tonight I know you probably never expected to spend it with me, But I’ve always admired you from afar Jason and its nice to know I’ll always have this memory” I glanced over to see how he was taking these honest words that were spewing from my mouth.
“Tonight was unexpected.” was all he said.
“4th and Point” he mumbled under his breath.
“…Right” and I put the car in reverse and drove down the hill, It’s funny how things can end as quickly as they started. I kept glancing over at the boy who was once a stranger no longer unknown he told me things he probably had never told anyone before. I pulled up to the front of his cream colored house.
“I guess I won’t be seeing you around.” I tried to say as monotone as possible.
“I’m sure we’ll keep in contact someway you have my number” he opened the car door and stepped out into the world that was fully lit by the sun now. and as he walked away I realized this is real life not everything is fueled by song lyrics and favorite movie quotes this was REAL life and in my world I never get the boy.

The End.

25 / 12

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